Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
