wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
