Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.