did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
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Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.