Your face is a jimmy john
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
