Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
