Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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