you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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