get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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