I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
