I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just threw up on my dentist
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
