I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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