i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
