My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
