well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
pray to the hookup gods
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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