hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
