??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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