If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
