i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
