2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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