BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She bit a glass in half.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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