My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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