I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
