Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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