im drinking this country out of the recession.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
