I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
