I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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