you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
