I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
