Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
