i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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