I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
