She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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