I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
