My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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