i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
