Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
