I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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