We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
