Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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