Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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