You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
