my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
