I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
