The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
