my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
