so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
