He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
