Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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