I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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