mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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