I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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