Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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