saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
