he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
