Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
