Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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