you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
