Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
